525,600 minutes ago.
I was happy.
Blissful, gleeful.
Life seemed so limitless
Now 525,600 minutes have pasted
And I'm miserable.
Angry at myself, Trapped.
One year ago:
I was a high school senior with endless possiblities: On my first last day.
Dreams of leaving the world of this small town behind
Quit the awful job I hold at Acme Markets
For the lights and sounds of New Brunswick, Rutgers to be exact.
I'd be a theater major and my friends would there and I'd be happy.
And one year later:
I'm sitting at home:
About to go to community college with horrible people.
I am stuck at my awful job at Acme Markets: long hours of anguish.
And yesterday I went to Rutgers to visit my friends and I think I almost cried.
It was just as wonderful as it had been when I went for my audition.
Being there and realizing my life wasn't there, was a harsh reality.
A rude awakening.
Realizing my dreams didn't come true.
Realizing how I was the reason I wasn't there.
So many things I did caused me to be in the position I'm in now
I could have been there: If I just been better, better at life.
Better at school.
Better at alot of things
Better- What does that even mean?
Can someone explain that to me?
How could I have been better? How can I be?
If I was skinner or smarter: Would I be better?
Would I have gotten into Rutgers?
Would I not be so damn miserable now?
Would I be that blissfully happy guy again?
Can someone please send me a sign: Of good things to come
Of a bright future I dreamed of.
Of a world better than one I currently live in.
Can someone, anyone find me a new world of unadulterated bliss?
So far since those 525,600 minutes have past:
I've had good times, but the horrible life I live outweighs them.
Living in a house with a parent who doesn't give a shit if you live or die and one parent who desperately is searching for answers to her own problems.
With two siblings who wouldn't understand the plight of a sibling who longs for a life better than that of which he currently lives.
Too busy with football and cheerleading to notice my misery.
Not that anyone will read this, but honestly: who gives a fuck?
Who gives a fuck if I write this to allow myself a bit of relief
Relief from myself.
Relief from my misery.
Is there relief for me?
God, If there ever was a time for you to love me, please send me relief.
Send me someone to love me, to care about me.
To want to be with me and make me forget my problems.
Send them to change my whole world and brighten it.
Change me for the better and for good.
I wish I could find someone like that.
However, like everything else right now: It's hopeless.
Utterly and completely hopeless:
To find love!
To dream!
To do anything!
All of it: hopeless.
Lost, like the dreams and bright eyes of the boy I was just 525,600 minutes ago.
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1 comment:
Holy shit Rob, that is one intense peice of writting right there. Damn dude, here i am sitting here semi-enving you. I know right now your probably asking why, and my reason probably wont make you feel any better due to your situation at home, but to me,your the lucky one.
You get to spend precious time with your family, time that some people envy. Im sitting here wishing i could be back home, even for just 30 minutes so i can see my family and friends, the people i love. I wouldnt even care if all i said to them was "hi," if for a second i could just see them again.
No one realizes how lonely college can get sometimes. Sure you have friends here and there, but that still sometimes isnt enough.
I hope you find what your looking for in life, jeez, im still looking too lol. I hope you know you can always talk to me about anything, my "door" is always open.
Your one of the nicest dudes i know, and dont worry. Live life for the moment, and everything will fall into place
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